Good evening fellow students, insominac readers, young teens, young adults, late night internet surfers and whatever other kind of audience you may be.
This, may just be, the most terrifying post I’ve ever wrote.
It’s 11:47pm on Tuesday 16th September 2014. It will strike midnight in thirteen minutes and a new day will begin, Wednesday will be here and my moving in day will be upon me. My big move to university, will be upon me. I can honestly tell you readers, that I’ve never been more terrifyed in my whole entire life.
I’ve lost friends and family, encountered death more times than possible at this age. I’ve had my heartbroken, I’ve broken hearts. I’ve auditioned for plays, I’ve spoke in front of hundreds, I’ve faced challenges I’ve never wanted to do, but, nothing, nothing at all, compares to how I’m feeling right now.
For nineteen years I grew up in a little town in Leicestershire called Hinckley. For ten of those years, I lived with my parents, my mum and dad and my little dog Chester. For the other nine, I lived with just my mum and pet. Despite the rollercoaster that has been my life, they’ve been the best years of my life. I suppose, in the grand scheme of the universe, I’m nothing special. I’m quite ordinary, but I like to believe that with the friends and family I’ve been granted and gained, that my little life has been extra special, making it all the more scary to move away. All the more terrifying to leave everything I know and love.
As I lay here with my girlfriend, barely able to type this final blog post before I move into an entirely different city, an entirely different life. I think of the night I’ve just shared with the people I hold closest in the world, I think of the past few days, weeks, months and all that’s led upto this moment and want to shake with fear. I don’t want to leave any of this, but I know the next step, will lead me to the next chapter of my life and into an entirely different…. I don’t know. Everything is just going to be different.
I know it’s silly I don’t want to leave, because, I’ve decided to be in the position I am today, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t have these feelings of desperation to stay. In aspects, it’s a paradox. Wanting to go so bad, but never wanting to leave.
Again, as I quoted in my last post and in the letters to my friends, “I don’t want this to be a goodbye forever, just, a goodbye for now”. It’s not like I’m dying. I’m simply moving away, but it’s the point that I’m moving to a life without friends or family surrounding me and, I feel alone. I know that will soon change, trust me, I’ve been told it enough, but I can’t help but feel it.
Wednesday is going to be such a busy day. I’ve got to start by waking up early, showering, packing three different cars, fueling them, making sure they are fit to drive, picking up friends and family, and preparing for the journey ahead. Getting there, I’ve got to face the hundreds of other students in exactly the same boat as me, meeting people I’ve only spoke to online, get my key to my accommodation, open the door that will house my being for the next year, unpack, say goodbyes, shed tears, make friends, talk, laugh, go to a lecture, unpack more, settle myself in, eat, go out and so on and so fourth. Oh, and through all of this, I’ve got to remember to stay sane.
How can all of that sound postiive? It’s a mixture of everything, but, positivity, I’m not so sure. Of course, I’m only able to look at the negative aspects now we are so close as my fear is gripping me. I’m no good in these situations.
Basically, what’s the point in this post? It’s for anyone, whether you are a student now, a student of the future or of the past – just anyone, to read and understand that you are not alone. On some degree, everybody is in the same boat. Everybody is coming from their own lives, their own stories, their own amazing, wonderful little corners of this country to come to where you are now and start all over again in their stories.
Therefore, I leave any student, or anyone, with this message:
You will be okay. How can I promise that after everything that’s been said? Well, I can’t. But all I know is that no matter what situation I’ve been in in life where I’ve felt like this, these feelings are pointless because it’ll all be okay in the end. Don’t you worry. Hang in there, it’s going to be a hell of a journey.
Most importantly, before you get to university, enjoy the time you have. Cherish every single moment with friends and family as they feel like they are your last days. Just cherish it all. Love, laugh and live as cheesy as it sounds. Just do it all. Feel love, feel pain, feel happy and sad. Make memories that you’ll be able to carry with you into university that will act as a source of strength in your darkest moments. Just know that you are loved and let people know you love them. Just, try to understand that the time before university will pass by in the blink of an eye. It’ll go without even being able to feel it slipping through your fingers and even if at the end of it you are able to turn around and say: “Yeah, it’s been a fantastic summer, great memories and I’m feeling happy.” – If you haven’t done what I’ve mentioned above, then you will be left feeling as those you have missed out on something fantastic. As though you haven’t took every opportunity you could and that you’ll lose everybody you care about. Do what I’ve said and though it’ll still be hard to leave, you’ll leave knowing that you’ve left a lasting impression and left a place where you’ll always have open arms awaiting your return.
I could go on, I really could, but as the time ticks on, my eyes draw ever heavier.
I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow, something I am sure you’ll hear a lot about.
Just think about what’s been said, even if some of it sounds ridiculous, it’s my personal experience, my ‘now’ person beliefs. Wish me luck, good luck yourselves.
Goodnight, much love,