I’ve been trying to bring myself to write this post for a while. It’s been on my mind, well always, but in this instance more recently. The past couple of weeks I’ve just began to see a large absurdity in how little I feel toward certain people, mainly females. I feel worthless, like personally, I’m not worth the time to talk to someone. I feel silly and immature by wanting to speak to people because I find great pleasure in just speaking to people but lately, I’m finding it a challenge to even begin a conversation with certain people at the minute. Now in the past, on my YouTube channel, I wrote a spoken word poem called “Worthless” which you can find linked just here. This covered a lot of the same topics of how I was feeling and not much as changed but where as that was focused on one person, the feeling I get now is for multiple people.
Let me try and explain this, as best as possible.
Like I’ve said, it’s come to the point where I find great absurdity in how little I feel when talking to females. These girls are the same age as me so it’s not like I’m talking to anyone maturer than me, as if that was the case the way I am feeling would be more understandable but no, the girls are the same age as me. Now these girls, some of them are friends, others maybe be girls that I’ve grown a liking too, maybe had a crush on or lusted for, so on mad so fourth and I just don’t understand why I feel such a way. I don’t feel worthy when talking to them and that just sounds crazy, but it’s true. I talk to them and I feel like a constant bother. It’s as though I am just immature and childish, like a pup that keeps trying to crawl up your long, that constant bother, that’s how I feel. I feel like I’m yapping all the time and they just have no interest to talk to me. It’s a worry that I always carry and a major downfall to be honest because it makes me doubt myself and then of course it goes on and it just spirals and makes me feel worse.
I’m finding it hard to understand why I feel this way. It’s confusing.
More than anything, I wish I had confidence. I don’t know how to get that or how to show it. I hate being alone and I fear rejection. Therefore it’s a. It if a stale mate. I’m never moving forward or back because I’m too scared and may be this is where all of this spawns from.
It’s a big topic to cover, and I think I’m just all over the place and it’s difficult to focus on. Well focus on one area of this and writing it down seemed to be more accurate and organising than just, over thinking it.
I just need to figure out why I feel this way, the cause, and put a stop to it. I believe it may be because I’ve found confidence, well I used to have confidence, I’m talking to girls through a computer. Through technology nit used to be the only way I could approach girls because even if I got rejected it wasn’t that bad. I could hide and I got used to that but now I’m losing confidence in that. Since being at university I’ve been able to talk to girls better whilst in person but still, I’m quite withdrawn, I get scared and with how I’m feeling at the minute, it’s even worse.
Again, I repeat, I can’t believe how absurd it is in the way I feel. So little, so small, so worthless, repulsive, unwanted, alone and so on and so fourth. I’m only talking to females, the opposite sex and I wouldn’t feel as bad if it was just girls I liked but the fact that it’s now happening with friends as well. It’s all the more frightening. Well, not that as such… More, worrying.
I don’t know to be honest.
I just had to write, to let it out.
It’s off the topic of university but it’s one of those things.
Just another day, the absurdity I find in my feelings.