We are almost thirty minutes into a new day, New Years Eve 2014 to be exact. Meaning, of course, that tomorrow is January 1st 2015. A whole new year ahead.
As I sit here on my bed, surrounded by darkness, the room is illuminated by the ghosts and visions of this past year, and for me personally, what a year it’s been. This year was a rollercoaster, unfortunately there has been a lot of downs compared to the number of highs. The pain I have experienced this past year is nothing new to me, and that pain is losing people. Specifically my grandad this year. This man was like my second dad and I didn’t think the time on his clock was running down as quick as it was, I genuinely thought I’d have him around to see me go to university, to see me get married, to his grandchildren… all of that. I never thought he’d leave me this early and again, I’m no stranger to pain but it’s just frustrating that it’s another year passing where I have to experience this pain again. I pray for a 2015 where I don’t lose anyone, just for once, just for one year. The major high of this year has definitely been going to university. Starting Bishop in Lincoln was definitely one of the high points of my life. I never thought I’d make it that far but I did, I worked hard, I never gave up and no matter what was put in front of me, I made it. I feel I could have worked harder and got in on better terms but the fact is, I still got in. It makes me happy and yes, from the previous posts you can read, it hasn’t been an easy journey but it’s been worth it. I’ve already gained a lot from a few months at university and I can’t wait for what it brings. My life is there now. That bubble that university creates, that’s my life.
No matter what I’ve been through in the past year, it’s all helped the structure the person I am at this very second and I’m being honest, I don’t know whether that’s good or bad. Personally there are so many flaws that I see within myself and of course, everyone else would tell me that the person I am today is a good thing but I feel I could be so different. I currently feel like I am letting myself slide, I lack motivation. I want to make change. I’m 19, I feel like my youth years are quickly coming to an end and my ‘real world life’ is soon to start and that’s terrifying but I wonder what tools I have to head into it and shape it. I want to make a difference but I have no idea where to start. I need guidance, I need a path for 2015, something I can aim towards and I really hope I find the motivation to do that. In all honestly I think I need to control my sleeping pattern, get in shape, eat healthier and just get myself on track before anything else, but I suppose we can only wait and see.
Something that makes me feel more, shallow? I don’t know if that’s the right word to be honest but one thing I can’t stop thinking about right now is that it’s so cloe to crossing into the new year and again, nothing amazing is going to happen. Nothing spectacular, nothing outstanding. No big new years kiss that’s made to be the big thing to do when the ball drops. Nothing. I’ll be at a house party, standing alone as the ball drops and looking around me and just wondering, why? And all I’ll be able to do is think about all the bad I’ve done to cause me to be alone. I don’t want to have these thoughts but in my opinion it’s karma at work and I can only hope I can find a way to put it straight. New Years Eve 2014 is going to be uneventful and I want to look forward to it but I just can’t get this off my mind.
Away from the negativity that is in my mind and the dragging thoughts about the opposite sex and being alone! I do hope that everyone has a great New Years Eve 2014 and celebrates the crossing into the New Year with a bang. It’s a good excuse to get drunk, celebrate and just have a bloody good time with a lot of people that matter! Make sure you don’t spend it alone and even if you aren’t partying, spend it with family. Don’t be alone on New Years because for the past few years I have and I know how horrible it feels. Do whatever it takes to have a good time. Have a wonderful night, stay safe and here’s to having a great start to 2015. Let’s work hard and play harder.