And I’m back.
Some of you may or may not know that in the past week, I’ve turned 21. Yep, that’s right. I’m finally 21 years old. Hence why I’ve been fairly quiet recently on WordPress, although I did still find time to make a new Youtube video – looking extremely hungover. If you haven’t yet, check out my latest Youtube video: HALLS.
Anyway, today, I have a story for you.
TRIGGER WARNING: The following story may have triggers for people suffering with Anxiety.
DISCLAIMER: The following story is my own PERSONAL experience and what happened to me – therefore, if you don’t agree with something, please try and understand I AM NOT telling you to do something or force my opinions, this was what happened in MY life. Thank you.
Now, I’ve already shared my ‘Second Year Journey’ with you, my lovely readers, and from it, you’d probably say that I had a pretty decent Second Year and I’d agree with but I want to share with you something that happened at the end of my Second Year that’s consumed my life ever since.
A couple of weeks before my term was due to end at university I was getting a tattoo one day. I was meant to do a full day in the chair and have my whole upper arm completed. However, this didn’t happen. On my way there and when there, I had terrible tremors or ‘shaking’. Now, this had been going on for a couple of days and I assumed it was for my poor diet playing hell with me so I didn’t think much of it but today, something seemed different. Even after eating something, the shaking didn’t go away and this caused me to have to call it a day. Anyway, blah blah blah skip forward and it was the evening – I really wasn’t feeling good.
I got into bed and my heart was going crazy, the beat was irregular and at the same time, it felt like I’ve had a million coffees in a millisecond. Now, I was scared. I decided I had two choices, either sit there and die or go and tell somebody. I decided on the latter as I really did feel as though I was dying. As I went into the living room to tell my friends, they all checked me over and agreed that something wasn’t right. I immediately dialled 111 as even though I thought I was dying, I didn’t think it was worth calling 999. They told me that it didn’t sound life threatening but I should head to A&E immediately.
All the way there I was convinced that the end of my life was nigh and I was mentally writing my will – because you know, why not? Whilst in A&E I was seen too straight away purely because it was too do with the heart and you can never be too careful – I was given an ECG and blood tests before finding out that I was absolutely fine but I found out I’d just experienced a major panic attack (anxiety attack) and not a heart attack.
And this was the start of a summer where anxiety could consume everything I did and change who I was, no matter what I did.
And there is my little story…
So, my summer? Well, it’s basically been having an anxiety attack every week or every other week, it just depends what’s going on in my life really. It’s a mixture of being every aware of my own heartbeat – ALL THE TIME. Always overthinking every situation, being a hypochondriac about every little thing that is wrong with me, really like I’m living a lot of my life through a third person perspective or having an out of body experience, having a constant impending sense of doom or continually thinking I’m going to die and having tremors and shakes or twitches all the time… that’s been my summer. Don’t get me wrong, some days are worse than others, sometimes I forget all about it… it’s like I have a lose rope around my leg and I’m walking away slowly and just when I think it’s all okay and I’m starting to run away, the rope tightens and I’m pulled right back to the beginning. With all of this, I know start counselling soon and luckily, that’s a service the university provides and I’m extremely thankful for their support.
I wouldn’t say university was the soul reason my anxiety finally flared up and took control but it was definitely a contributing factor. It was the build up of stress about my course and the work I had to do, my stress involving employment, friends, family, finances and personal feelings – it all built up and finally boiled over the edge. However, as I’ve mentioned I’ve taken the processes to find support and start battling this that has consumed my life.
This was a small entry about my experience through Second Year and is something that I am now dealing with on a daily basis.
If you are struggling with similar issues whilst at university, know that you aren’t alone. Feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.