It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post now and I have been juggling university work, job searching and life in general. To be honest, in the past couple of weeks, this anxiety that I suffer from has attempted to rear it’s ugly head back into my life and in the past couple of days, it succeeded. Therefore you can call this moment I’m experiencing, the “relapse”. From the title you can gather I will be talking about anxiety (as usual), but this time (and in more detail) exploring its disabling capabilities.
Whether I’ve explained this before, I cannot remember, but since anxiety has settled itself like a unwelcome visitor in my life, it has continually found ways of rubbing me up the wrong way. Or in other words, found ways to make me pay attention to it.
If that doesn’t make sense, let me go back and explain. Anxiety has a way of affecting you both physically and mentally – as many of us suffers (and non suffers) will understand. The physical affects can range from person to person depending on who you are and the level of which you suffer, e.g. rapid or irregular heartbeat, hyperventilating or shortness of breath, shaking and twitching, light headedness or dizziness and so on and so fourth. The mental affects are racing thoughts, constant feelings of dread, overthinking, negative thoughts etc. Whatever way anxiety decides to manifest within you, it isn’t a pleasant feeling with most suffers saying that when they have an attack, it feels as though they are dying. Which is something I feel all too well.
A lot of these symptoms that are listed above (as long as those that haven’t) are also known as “triggers“. Normally meaning that any of these symptoms can occur and then “trigger” the rest of the anxiety (or panic) attack. Of course, whether you know it or not, anxiety and panic attacks are a cause of the “flight or fight response” in the body. The way I like to think of it, simply, is as a mis-wiring within the body. The “fight or flight response” within the human body is all about basic survival. However, anxiety suffers, our flight or fight fires 100x more than it needs to and within the release of chemicals (such as adrenaline) it triggers the symptoms above. This makes us feel like we are on “vibrate” and as though we need to be running or doing something when all we are doing is sitting in bed and everything is fine. A major problem with suffering from this mental health issue is that it causes us confusion. Humans naturally suffer from a base form of anxiety, e.g. being nervous and unfortunately, we no longer are granted the basic anxiety which helps us. Instead, we are running on overdrive 24/7 for no reason, dealing with irrational and silly thoughts and although we know there is no need to feel this way, it’s difficult to talk yourself out of it, although, not impossible.
This brings me to my journey. Throughout my journey, I have battled throughout a lot of my triggers. It originally started with a rapid heartbeat, that would set me off. Then once I overcame that, it was having a shortness of breath. Defeating that led me to twitching and shaking, I suffered from this a lot. This goes on and on, you get the idea. I am at a point now where I have fought with my anxiety a lot and overcame A LOT. Usually, I relapse badly at least once a month, if not a little longer. This is one of those times. The most recent of these triggers is that of being light headed and feeling nauseated. Badly. Normally, it’s not too bad and it passes easily, however, this time it has decided not to grant me the simple pleasure of having to endure it for a short while. In the past couple of days, it’s completely disabled me in day-to-day life and social situations. I hate it. Ever since early yesterday, it has felt as though the room was spinning. It has felt like, well simply, it has felt like I have vertigo. It seems as though I am unstable and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Although, it is purely a product of this dreaded anxiety. If I shake my head widely, it does not make me feel sick or dizzy, but, if I sit normally or live my day-to-day life then BOOM! I feel as though I’m about to pass out. Excuse my language but it is completely shit. This has led to me having to miss my girlfriends grandmothers birthday and be in bed for most of the day which makes me feel absolutely horrible. It makes me feel disrespectful, rude and idiotic. It is completely disabling in every way. It is a battle every second. Why do I tell you this? Well, maybe to help me vent or maybe to help you understand that if you are reading this and you suffer as well, you aren’t alone or to let those know that don’t suffer, it is not a choice we make. Our brains are working overtime and the questions never stop; what if I’m out and I faint? what if nobody believes me and they think I am being silly? what if I embarrass myself? And so on. It completely disables you from being able to be a normal human and we want nothing more than for it to stop. We do not choose this.
But hey, all in all, this may just be the next battle I am going to have to face. Just the next step in this journey of an anxious life. It’s shitty but it’s a part of me. However, it will not control me for long. I will overcome this soon.